When to Say, "I'm Sorry." Every couple is going to have disagreements, arguments and maybe even a few knock down drag outs, and all will be well, but I promise you, there will be times when a line has been crossed and your only way to mend the wound is by offering an apology. Why is "I'm Sorry" so hard for some people to say? I'm pretty sure it's a pride thing. When you are willing apologize to someone, you first have to admit that you did something wrong. And who likes to do that? Next, you have to put your partner's feelings above your own, and acknowledge that you have caused harm. A humbling task. Pride is a powerful thing to set aside. But if you continually: -pretend that an offense never happened -get defensive -downplay the hurt -refuse to take ownership of the infraction -avoid communicating (with the intent of resolution) ... then pride will destroy your trust, intimacy and may even destroy the relationship itself. Don't let pride steal the intimacy from your relationship. Allow yourself to be vulnerable to the fact that you just might be at fault. Avoiding the conversation is not the same thing as resolving it!! By pretending the offense never happened will do far more damage in the long run. You may be able to distract your partner a time or two or charm them into forgetting the offense this time, but believe me, it will catch up to you. No amount of charm or chocolates are going to save you now!! So go ahead. Do the deed. Don't put it off any longer. Take responsibility for hurting your partner's feelings and do what needs to be done to salve it. Not sure how to go about it? Here are a few tips: - Just start by saying it. I'm sorry. (That will get their attention!) But don't stop there... -address the problem (I'm sorry for...) Let your partner know that you are acknowledging the unhappy emotions you caused. This, usually means more than anything else you can say. Try to identify with your partner's feelings. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is to your partner. Don't argue your point, use this as a chance to try and understand. -really make an effort to say and show how you are going to change in the future in case a similar situation arises. What's the point of apologizing if you have no intention to change? Make sure your partner knows you regret causing the pain and that you sincerely want to work toward a resolution. -ask for forgiveness. These words are truly humbling and powerful. By asking for forgiveness, it shows that you are choosing to start again with different behaviors. It encourages trust. -do what you say. Trust grows when you demonstrate the changes in your actions and behaviors that will benefit the relationship. When NOT to say "I'm sorry" -when you don't mean it anyway and you're just trying to "move things along". -not every conflict requires an apology- just be sensitive to times when you know you have crossed the line. You'll know. You'll feel it. And if you don't, the silence will usually let you know. -if you're just going to deflect it. (When you actually turn the offense back on your partner- guilt) "I'm sorry if you think...." or "I wouldn't have ____ if you hadn't ___" "It's not my fault if you took it that way..." -if you're just going to take your partner down with you. "I'm sorry, but remember that time when you did ___ to me?" -and worst of all, if you're just going to repeat the same offense time and again. Sometimes it may take a few hours or maybe even a few days before the emotions settle down and you can discuss the offense with your partner. Take that breath. Don't storm off or slam doors, just let them know you need a break. This is not the opportunity to hope they "forget about it". If you want to make things right, you're eventually going to have to address it. Just do it, and get back to loving. Sometimes it may take a while to be forgiven. And that is their right. If you hurt some one and they need time to grieve, allow them that time. And when they do come to accept your apology, be gracious. Don't hold a grudge or get defensive, allow for reconciliation. I hope this helps. Too many relationships are being slowly shifted a part because of the pride that blocks the apology. We all make mistakes. Take the responsibility to own up to yours. Make things right, make the changes and grow closer together. Follow me on Facebook!
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Relational Dynamics As many of you know, I am a hairstylist when I am not writing, and I have recently moved from my home state where I'd been living most of my life to someplace completely different. Adapting to the changes have been quite a challenge. People fascinate me. Now, being an introvert, I like to watch from a distance, but being part of the human race, I eventually have to participate as well. When I was studying relational coaching, my goal was to use it for mainly teens, but I am surprised that I can use this knowledge in every aspect of my life. I have been a hairstylist, off and on for over 23 years and have belonged to several different shops. The one I left was probably my favorite and the one that I developed the best friendship skills. Granted, this was also the time I was studying my relationship coaching training, so I learned a lot and put new ideas into practice of how to get along with other people. They essentially became my tribe. I belonged. We all looked out for one another. We played together, we worked together, we loved, we lost, we bonded. It was the first time in my life, I had multiple friends. In the past, I had only been able to concentrate on one friend at a time. This became a separate.... family, so to speak. (Like I said, I'm an introvert but never had a name for my "condition" until a few years ago!) When I moved and started my new job here, it's been an excellent reference as to how complete strangers assimilate to become one team. These twelve people, my new tribe that I had been assigned to- some have worked together before, some knew each other in passing, and I, of course, was completely new... but all of us were new to this franchise and brand new store. I like watching the natural progression of things grow. How people group together; find different ways to assert their authority; come together to weed out a common enemy, toleration, education and bonding together. It is amazing to watch. I had been asked to be the leader of our motley crew but had declined. I wanted to devote my time to creating and not so much cutting. But knowing that I am out of the running for a leadership role, I am able to watch the process unfold without bias. It's a good group of girls here, under a good GM and a positive owner. The shop will do well, and these girls look like they are here to stay. So I am anxious to watch the friendships unfold and to see if it stays "just" co-worker status among them or if they will bond together as a cohesive unit. I am having a nice time learning who everyone is. They're likes and dislikes, things we have in common, their work practices (how they cut differently than me or customer skills or retail skills). I am fascinated with their family-lives, how many kids they have, boys/girls, ages, married/single. Their hobbies, their joys, their addictions, what makes them laugh. While I miss the cohesiveness of the tribe I left behind, I am learning so much about myself and the others and this experience is only going to make me a better person by being able to love on these new people. We have all been thrown together for about a month now, and in that short amount of time I have learned so much about these young women. Their heartbreaks and their trials and the things they are doing to cope. If they have a common denominator among them all, it's strength. I have heard of some of their trials; things that would cripple another human being, but these girls don't give up. They find a new way to keep going. They all have strong family ties and as with everyone, they are all struggling through something. I am humbled that they trust me, an outsider, to tell their troubles to. They don't tell me to "get" something from me, they are just sharing. I am honored that they feel comfortable in such a short window of time to share with me. Apparently, I fall into the "momma" role wherever I go. It is true that people fade in and out of your life in seasons and that not everyone you meet is supposed to be in your life forever, and sometimes its hard to let go of your "comfort zone", but we can grow stale if we stay in the same "place" for too long. I have discovered that I am a wanderer. I physically need to move from place to place to stay inspired. I think I've known it for a long time but was too afraid to step out of the "norm". But when I say "place", I am more referring to a mental or spiritual attitude if you will. We as humans need to grow. We are created to want other human companionship, and yet its scary to face change. I wish for you to embrace change. Me, the introvert, says reach out and love people. All kinds of people. It doesn't have to be up close and personal, but we can love from a distance as well. I will have to get used to meeting new people and leaving others behind. And while I feel the need to not settle- at the moment- I hope that I leave behind me a trail of affection and that I touched people's lives with love. I hope that those I come in contact with feel inspired and if I'm lucky, I will have the opportunity to watch their dreams come true. (Facebook at its finest! I can move about the country and still keep track of all my people!) We all come in contact with people every single day. Make it a positive experience. And while we won't build tribes with all these people and they may only be in your life for a season, (or less), let it be a good experience for all involved. A little love, a little kindness can go a long way. Lead with love. Simplify Your Life By Letting Go It goes against everything we believe in. Letting go... Hold on. Hold on tight. To everything. The more the better, right? Sometimes we get blinded by this theory. I'm not saying to sell all your stuff and move into an RV or anything... who does that? (teehee!) But if we take a step back and look at our lives in a different light, what can we let go of to make a little more breathing room? Thinking room. Living room. Loving room. Here's a list of a few things that came to mind when I was thinking on the subject. See if you agree. Let Go Of Your Yesterdays- Let the past be in the past. Been there done that. Learn what you can from it but then, let it go. Don't carry around regret, guilt or bitterness. Don't carry your past into your future, it blocks you from new experiences and from clouds your judgement. We all make mistakes. Learn from them and then let them go. (For more help in this area, go here.) Let Go Of Negativity- Let the glass be half full. Let there be a silver lining. Look for the good and you will find it. Look for reasons to be grateful instead of complaining. This slightest shift can do amazing things for your outlook. Let Go Of Self-Doubt- Stop talking yourself OUT of living! Take a risk! Take a chance! What's the worst that can happen? You have been given the life you have to enjoy it! So get out there! What are you missing out on? What have you always wanted to try! Let this be your year! Stop looking for reason why you CAN'T! Take action! Go ahead, take that first step! And since we're taking chances now... Let Go Of Perfection- Not everything we do is going to be perfect. (Is anything we do perfect?) Don't expect it to be perfect. We are human. Enjoy the things you do in your human imperfect-ness. By taking new chances, that opens us up for new mistakes... it's okay. You're expanding your boundaries. You are on a continuous learning journey. Embrace it and don't expect it to be perfect. Let Go Of Sources Of Stress- Chose people to be in your circle that will feed you and encourage you. If they suck the happiness from your very soul, it may be time to let them go. It may be painful at first, it's tough to change, but if it for the greater good, then go for it. A bad attitude is like flat tire. You can't go anywhere until it's fixed. So fix it and move on and away from those nails in the road. Chose to be around people that will lift you up, not stress you out. Let Go Of Living For Others- Make yourself a priority. Love begins at home in your heart. If you can't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you. People will take and take- as much as you are willing to give them. Give of yourself, but be sure there is plenty left for you. Follow your own dreams. You are the only one that can live your life and if you are so busy living it for someone else, you are going to miss out on so much! and finally: Let Go Of What's Not Working- Change is good. Not everything nor everyone is meant to stay in your life forever. People come and go, experiences come and go, life is a steady flow of change. And that's okay. See what is and what is not working for you at this juncture in your life and trim the fat where it needs to be trimmed. If it is not moving you forward, it is most likely wasting more time than it is giving you benefit. Let it go. Hopefully this gives you the motivation to let go and simplify your life in order to enjoy it all the more! Have a happy day and a love-filled life! You're Exactly Where You're Supposed to Be Sometimes when life gets a little tricky, we tend to think that we are someplace that we were not meant to be. And in the grand scheme of things, that may be true, but whatever brought you to this moment in your life has happened for a reason. It is easy for us not to face things that are troubling us and so we close our eyes and just hope they go away on their own. But if we keep in mind that everyday, every experience, every meeting can be a learning opportunity. Our mistakes can be used to make us stronger, smarter and help our decisions for the future. All the choices you have made in your past have brought you to the point to where you stand right now. Good, bad or ugly, you are where you are because of the choices you have made. There may be reasons that you haven't gotten the success you wanted. It may just be delayed until the time is right or it might not happen at all. I heard a quote from somewhere that says we will be plagued by the same troubles until we have learned the lesson they were sent to teach us. And then another that basically says, What is yours can never miss you (regardless of the paths and sidetracking, if it was meant for you, eventually it will come to you) and what misses you, was never yours. (meaning, there could be things out there that you are struggling with over and over and no matter how hard you try, it will not come to pass. I had a hard lesson in that example. My history is in the theatre. Live theatre and teaching kids in the arts (dance, drama, art and music). I had helped create and build a theatre company in the early '90's and just assumed that was my path. When I left that theatre company, to start a family, I assumed that I would just open another theatre company where my family resided. That was my path right? But I tried, and struggled and lost thousands of dollars for seven years before one of my student's parents bluntly told me, "Maybe this isn't what you are supposed to be doing." I was furious! Who did she think she was?! Of course it was! It's all that I know!! I haven't done anything but theatre work for 15 years!! What else would I be doing?? I finally gave in. I was out of money, the Fine Arts Centre that I was running wasn't bringing in enough income... I had to give up. I shut it down, and shut it out of my mind for four years. I had to allow my heart and brain to open up to new ideas and yes, maybe a completely different path for me. It took a long time and I thought for sure that I was not going to be "allowed" to work with the kids again. But I had to be still long enough to be able to hear God whispering to me. It has been a long slow journey. There have been many lessons that I have had to learn along the way. And my hard-headedness, didn't make it any easier. I'm not saying that even if you're on the right path that there won't be bumps and trials. (Hardly!) But as I said before, every day is a chance to learn, to improve, to hear His whispers. I believe that I am on the right path, for however long, and I am learning to be more sensitive to what the world is trying to tell me. Good, bad or ugly, I am here at this point in my life for a reason. The choices I have made, the decisions I have followed through on and the things I have had to let go... This is my life. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. If you are struggling right now, is there a chance that maybe this is something you're not supposed to have right at this moment? Are there other tasks you are meant to accomplish before "this particular thing" can come to fruition? Are there more teachings, reading, experiences you need to acquire? Are there things, people, places that you are meant to move away from? Or distance yourself from? If you dig deep... could this be the time you need to let go of something that is not meant to be? A hard decision to be sure, but I firmly believe that if you were meant to "have" it, you will. Maybe not now, but when the time is right. You are where you are supposed to be. Take in all that the universe is trying to teach you and use it to its fullest! |
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