 Original artwork by Annabelle Bergman Welcome to My Darkside
I have tried for decades to keep the two very distinct sides of my personality separate. I am very much a Christian and yet, there's a darkside to my creative vein. I have always been drawn to the dark side of history. I'd dive into the outlaws and the gangsters, and then as I got older the serial killers. But the mainstream of my life was/is very clean and shiny... I am quite the rule-follower and do my best to see the best in others and lead with love. I decided that I was so fascinated at how others function SO differently than myself. My study of the brain began here. I eventually decided to allow the dark side some creative space knowing that God made me and knew ahead of time what He was getting himself into! Lol! When it was suggested I create a podcast, I had to figure out what topic I could legit dive into regularly and never get bored of. History. That was easy. I love American history and am still a bit resentful of my teachers for not fanning this flame in my youth. I knew I didn't want to do serial killers, I don't want to turn them into rockstars. They are still evil creatures and their acts are not something to celebrate, but with all the fascination of true crime and serial killers, I knew there were others (thousands upon thousands) that liked to dip their toe on the dark side. I gave myself permission to create the Bag of Bones Podcast. Revealing the dark side of American history. Murderers, outlaws, tyranny, battles, hauntings (I do love a good ghost story!), folklore, racism, tragedy, and straight up stupidity. So things don't get too dark, I add in some quirky and strange stories that may have been swept under the rug that make us question how our species have survived some decisions. Lol. I am having a blast. I spend a huge amount of time diving into my weekly episodes to bring you well researched and as factual information that is available to me. I read tons of articles, books, documents and court transcripts to give me every opportunity to bring you the facts from our yesterdays. I am in LOVE with my podcast. (Am I allowed to say that? Lol) I believe I come at every single episode with a heart of integrity, not just to glorify the ugly and headline-grabbers. Many episodes are meant to shine a light on how we, as a country thought and believed, so as not to forget... and repeat. Other episodes are biographies that reveal so much more of the subject matter than just the "crime" or "tragedy". Some are very difficult for me. I am sometimes more sensitive than I should be if I'm going to share these stories. Other times, I let you see my opinion ... I tend to be quite sarcastic, I'm told... But I love 99% of my podcast... not what happened, but the opportunity to share it with others in a way where (hopefully) it will NOT be boring and just regurgitating facts and dates. These moments in history involved real people, real emotions, real choices, real consequences... our history IS people. All that to say, I was happy to discover that many of my Christian friends and followers enjoyed the Bag of Bones Podcast. I was so worried about that because I am billed in every book store and webpage as a Christian Author... and I still am... but then, I just veered a little sideways. I thought I was going to have to build an entire new website to cater to this new whim of mine and honestly, that still would be the best option, but instead, I decided to embrace it. You never know who might come in for one thing and get intrigued by another. Many have suggested that I use a pen name for my dark side activities, but then I decided that because I am very hands on... very much involved with my following, that might not be such a good idea. I love getting to know my fans and readers. Sidenote: I'm hoping to go another level of connection and sign myself up for more book tours and conventions in the future- SO, I might as well not use a pen name since it's going to be Elizabeth Bourgeret that shows up to all the things... I might as well have my name on all the things. Yes, this does offer a bit of confusion when people are researching me... So... after saying all that... it has been decided. If and when I write a book that slips into the Dark Side, I will use a pen name. It won't be a secret, I won't be trying to hide who I really am, but this way, I will have the opportunity to reach an entire new audience and those who have been introduced to me as a Christian author, and pick up the "wrong" book, won't be surprised. I waffled back and forth with this decision and I've talked with other authors with multiple pen names, and they recommend this practice to help book stores and on-line formats better know where to catalogue my writings. The answer, is ...yes, I have decided on a pen name. You will be introduced to her when I finally get time to tap into a new genre... it may take a minute. I'm entering in to my third year of the podcast and am still learning, but I'm going to treat it more like a business this year than a hobby. So, if you are already a fan, keep an eye out for a brand new newsletter, merch and other ways to interact. Also- because I can't help myself- I will be launching new novels that will fall under the Dark Side category. I've suppressed it as long as I could! Lol! The story ideas just wouldn't stop coming! I must write them down! So, with books AND a podcast AND merch, I will be a more welcome attendant to conventions and festivals. You'll see the reflection in the website, there will be a Dark Side section that will outline all the Bag of Bones details and release information on the books that fit there. Whooo!! That feels good to get it off my chest and actually make a decision! Not that I need permission or approval, but I never want to alienate someone who is new to my world and this decision has been rattling around my head for at least three years, so it's nice to be able to move forward. That being said- Watch for some changes on the website and for new merch and books coming your way on both the Christian side and the Dark side. You can't truly appreciate the light without experiencing the dark. (Pretty sure that's my new motto, because it is 100% accurate. I would have never been saved had I not first had to walk through the valley of the shadow of doubt.) If you haven't tuned in to any of the Bag of Bones episodes, do me a favor and check them out. I promise you, there really is something there for everyone! I do my best to warn against the really bad stuff... so go ahead, cross over to the dark side... (ooo... that sounded really creepy... I love it!) Bag of Bones Podcast can be found on any podcast platform. We really are everywhere! New episodes almost every week. (I had to build in breaks this year because it is really very work intensive and I get a little swallowed up, but I will average at the very least 3 per month.) (I've put together a Topics page, so if you'd like to search a specific subject, you can see those here.) Follow on Facebook or Instagram and you'll be tapping into my warped, sarcastic sense of humor. And as always, keep checking back here, as to the new developments! I'm super excited to share these new stories and episodes with you, my friends. Welcome to my Dark Side. Bag of Bones on Apple ITunes Bag of Bones on Spotify Bag of Bones on IHeart Radio Update! Check out the new blog Beyond the Bones! It's an extension to the Podcast but also allows a place for me to add other interesting historic stories you will love or may have never heard of but not quite long enough for an episode! Check it out here!
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 Fear of Success This is a reprinted article from September 2012. Unfinished projects. Unpacked boxes. Incomplete story-lines. Unpublished works. Story of my life. The book, Captive Heart, that is currently being published has been sitting on my shelf for years. Untouched, unloved and unseen by the public. It is really easy to hide from success if you stop just short of it ever becoming a possibility. Thus, all of my unfinished projects become a protective wall to hide behind so I never know how success could change my life for better or worse. Why would anyone fear becoming successful? Doesn't everyone dream of a small amount of fame at some point in their life? But what happens when you get it? Will you be ready for everything that goes along with it? Granted, success comes in many levels (not everything has to be the paparazzi kind, it could be something as simple as losing weight or, I don't know, publishing a book...). It also depends on how much value you attach to it. If you give your end goals too much weight, it can in turn, weigh you down. If you are hoping that your success validates who you are making you feel that you are finally smart enough, thin enough, rich enough or popular enough the weight of success can become more of a burden than a reward. Not only to achieve it, but to maintain it! If your success is just another check mark of things to do before you die, then you will be able to enjoy and relish every moment that comes from it. You will feel Success- Full. But , more likely, it will come and go like many of our successes (promotion at work, winning the bowling championship, quitting smoking) that we don't take the time to acknowledge or celebrate therefore creating the stress that comes from a bigger success. We don't know how to handle it! We never feel Success-Full. Add to that, all those details that come with success. The ones you don't really think about when you're picturing the accolades. Failure. New responsibilities. Time constraints. Criticisms. Being in the spotlight. Maintaining. It's no wonder we end up subconsciously sabotaging any success we might have. I personally tend to put a lot of weight on success. I feel I have to prove something to myself and to others, that says, "I CAN finish something. I CAN turn my mistakes around. I CAN learn from my past and create a better future." So for years, I have engaged in, what I recognize now as self- sabotaging behaviors to make sure I would never reach the levels of success that would make me have to face such challenges. It's easier to sit back and dream of the "someday I will..." than to actually go after it and possibly fail while the world looks on waiting to see the outcome. I had become a Master Procrastinator. Cleverly thinking of ways to do anything but what will take me closer to my end goals. I would compromise my goals and tell myself things like, "I was probably going to fail anyway so why bother trying?" Have you been there? Not going to apply for that job... join that gym... open that savings account... Most of the time, this fear happens subconsciously. We don't realize exactly WHY we aren't trying harder, just that it's easier to find other distractions. Failure, or rather, incompletion, I can deal with. Success was too terrifying to even attempt. After all, everyone faces failure. That makes it a common denominator. And it IS true that you will learn more, gain more long lasting wisdom from failure than you will from success, but is staying in that "comfort zone" of failure enough? We all have that gene in us to WANT success, and DREAM of a better life even if it means something as simple as getting a degree, buying a new car, being debt free... But success... who teaches you how to deal with success? You've heard the saying, If at first you don't succeed, try, try again? But what happens when you DO succeed? Where's the clever saying for that? Who teaches you how to deal with new-found resentment and labels from others? How to juggle the new responsibilities that come with the outcome of your success? And what if you don't like it? Don't get me wrong, I consider myself Success-Full. I have learned to acknowledge and appreciate the smaller, daily successes. (It lead me to create my How to Feel Success-Full lecture series.) So it doesn't have to be an all or nothing feeling that could very well rob you of the pleasure of your accomplishment! But the publishing of this book, my very first, is stretching me to a level of success that I have not had as yet and a whole new list of "consequences" that I'm not so sure I'm ready for! I had subconsciously trained myself to stop short of becoming too successful for any number of the above mentioned reasons. And while my past has taught me the lessons that I now pass on to others, and I wouldn't be who I am today without it, I don't know if I'm ready for the scrutiny, the judgement that comes along with decisions I've made long ago, and just my works in general. My friend Mary Spezia pointed out that maybe God is using me for this very thing. He wants me to face this fear, and teach others... But when I tell her that I'm not ready for that (already making excuses for avoiding success), she assures me that God will make me ready. Simple as that. I am a born-again Christian and believe me, I fought Jesus every step of the way. But He saved me for a reason, and if my mistakes might be able to prevent others from the same, that's not so bad right? So, here I am at the crossroads. This is where many of us sit. Regret for the past and fear for the future. I can either push forward and greet success without fear or stay on the same path, hiding behind my wall of unfinished projects... regretting it forever. I choose to move forward. Face my fears, keep procrastination at bay and see what God has in store for me. I'm putting my book out for people to read, I've created this website to widen my audience, I've added new topics to speak on... Then again, my book may not even sell, no one will read this website and no one will hire me to speak anymore and all this fretting will have been for nothing. Oh well, if at first you don't succeed.... Ten Years Later...I'm sorry to say, I still struggle with procrastination. As we approach the 10th anniversary for the release of Captive Heart, my very first novel, I have to admit that I haven't found the secret to combat the fear of success. I still catch myself before allowing my reach to go beyond what I feel I "deserve", and stop short of launching programs that I feel can bless others.
I am a constant student and continue to search for the final answer that will heal everyone's anxiety about facing fear and dare I say, even embrace it. I'm still searching. A few more novels under my belt and a podcast, I know that I am called for more. I have to learn to trust in my capabilities and trust in my purpose. But it is not a magic pill, or a motivational quote. It's a daily, constant work. Ten years later, I say again... don't give up, roll with the punches and don't be afraid to try again.  Photo by Steve Frank Love is Never Wasted
We are called to love. We all need love and we all want to love. But sometimes the thought of giving love can be a bit scary. What if the love you send out isn't returned? What if you do more for someone else than they do for you? What if they flat out shun your love? What if they weren't the person they lead you to believe they were? What if they accept your love and then suddenly, take it away? Then what? The beauty of love is that it is meant to be given liberally, without any strings attached. You can't make others love you. You can't expect love to be returned. It would be nice, but not always a reality. And what's more, their version of what love is may not match yours. Which is why love, should you choose to bestow it should be unconditional. What that means is, I will love you no matter what. No matter what kind of day you're having. No matter if your breath smells. No matter if you've hurt me. No matter if we disagree. No matter if you've left the cap off the toothpaste... again. Conditional love is based on terms: I will only love you if you do X, Y & Z. But if you don't, then, I'm off the hook. I don't have to love you. The downside to this, is many times, the other person doesn't even know what the X, Y & Z conditions are and sometimes we can't even put them into words. We just know when they haven't been met and to "punish" the other person, we can withhold our love... it whatever form that may be. Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean that you are required to "put up with" unhealthy behavior. You don't. Let me say that again because it's so important... You do not have to tolerate poor, or abusive, or unhealthy behavior- ever. But you can still love them. You can remove yourself from the situation in however many degrees you need to feel comfortable. You don't have to be "with" someone to love them. You can separate from them and still love them. In the case of a marriage, you can see that things are not "working" and sometimes that leads to divorce. That can still happen and you can still love them. In the case of family... sometimes you have to put up boundaries to protect your heart and soul or your growth or safety, but you can still love them. Friendships will come and go as the seasons. People may fade in and fade out. Others may end badly, that doesn't mean you can't still love them. You get to choose what your love for other people looks like. It's not a one-size-fits-all. The underlying current of every being is love. We are all searching for it. We all want to feel it. And we all want to give it. It doesn't always show up in passionate, romantic love, it's also small forms of love. That shows up as kindness. Compassion. Empathy. A quiet smile. Relationships are part of the deal. Some interactions you just want more of. You crave that friendship. You clicked with that human in a romantic way. Your family member is your best friend and confidant. What keeps those relationships vibrant, is love. Yes, yes, there's more to it than that, but we all know you can only "fake" love for so long. So if the love isn't there, is it really worth pursuing? Inevitably, sometimes a relationship doesn't turn out as we had hoped. Again, we have no control over what the other person feels and does. And when your passions don't match, it's a painful thing. There could be anger. There could be resentment, betrayal, loss.... It hurts. And it will hurt for a while. Even though you feel, that for your own safety or sanity, you never want to love again, don't let that happen. You are so much better than the people around you that have chosen to hurt you. And yes, I say chosen because that's what it is... a choice. 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 makes it very clear of what love is, and what it isn't... if you're ever in doubt. And it is too, a choice if you decide to stay within the relationship, or let it go. Only you can decide that. Should you chose to go, I hope you can look back and say that you gave love. You showered that person or persons with so much love that when the dust settles they can't help but see it. Let all things you do be done in love because it's the only thing that really matters. Even in anger, don't let your anger go so far as to step outside of love. Yes, you can be angry. Raging angry. But it's how you respond... how you react. Don't ever choose hate if you can help it. It's lonely on the highroad, but love is never wasted. Let it be a sprinkling left behind you that you can look back on and others can see where it leads. Those who need love, just might be looking for you. You have a purpose and you have a calling. You are called to love. Don't go through life keeping that love all to yourself. No matter the consequences, choose to love.  The Whole Story This is going to be such a hard post to write, so bare with me... Things have shifted. And in a big way. Things don't always go as planned, and... you have to shift. The emotion is still really close to the surface so, I apologize if it spews out across the page, but... you've been with me this far, and you're still here so this won't be the first time. Lol To start... my husband left me in February this year. I knew I was taking this trip alone so, that was just that. If I'm being honest, I didn't give myself much time to work through that grief because I'm a master of being busy. I am always going, doing, creating... all the things. Being a life student and a relationship coach... it is really hard to swallow that my own marriage wasn't a perfect and lovely textbook example. It is humiliating, if I have to put a word on it. It feels like I learned nothing if I couldn't even see and remedy the issues in my own marriage. I must be a terrible relationahip coach. What they don't tell you in your relationship classes, and you have to pretty much figure out for yourself is that... sometimes, you can't control another person's actions. And by sometimes, I mean, MOST times. You have no control over someone else's choices. I had no control over his leaving me... I just had to decide how I was going to respond and what I was going to do next. Fast forward to half way through my trip... My husband's health is failing. He suffered injuries while serving his country and they are tired of being ignored. In short- his vertebrae is crumbling and trying without success to reframe his bones and muscle structure to still give him support. It's not working. He's going to require surgery (or series of surgeries, and if it sounds like I'm making light of it, please understand that it's my defense mechanism. ) I need to get back and take care of my husband. I love my husband and this is that part "in sickness and in health" that I agreed to whether he did or not. I believe in marriage and I want a happy marriage, but I can only do what I can do. And do it to the best of my ability without judgment, or punishment and in an unconditionally, loving way. And what I need to do is get to Alabama to get my husband through this surgery and physical therapy on the other side, in the most loving and supportive way I know how. God is pretty amazing and is capable of turning this marriage around at any point, so I walk in faith. No dates have been set, as yet for the surgery and I have come to realize that I will no longer be able to travel. It's a hard pill to swallow since I've worked so hard to finally get here and now I have to put it to rest. I am so very thankful that I was able to have this one last bang of a trip. (Sidenote: This is WHY you don't wait until retirement to follow your dreams or do the things your heart tugs you toward. Don't ignore it. Don't wait... you might not get the chance "later".) I am beyond grateful that I got to follow The Oregon Trail... It wasn't the trip that was originally planned, but I'm not sad. I saw so many things. I learned so many things. I made friends along the way. I learned things about myself that I would have never discovered otherwise. I got to "meet" all of you. These memories will set me up for a very long time. I have yet to go through all the photos, something to look forward to.
A lot of new wheels have been put into motion. - I cancelled the PostCard Club. As I have mentioned before, I did not receive an income from the Club, and more times than not, it cost more than it brought it. Plus, I will no longer be traveling, so it seemed the right thing to do. I have decided that all the members will still get their ornament and the 2020 group will still get their digital copy of my book A Devil's Errand when it is released. I will still send out all the postcards for the month of September and for those who purchased for the full year, I'll send along other gifts instead to make up the difference. - The History Revisited Facebook Group. The group... oh... this is hard... I have enjoyed my time with you so much and I have loved getting to know you throughout the years. And those who popped in every once in a while... I saw and appreciate you too! Seeing as how I'm about to be a full-time caregiver, I feel the best course of action is to delete the group as I won't have the time to keep up with it and again... not going to be traveling or visiting historical sites until further notice. I will still be producing the Bag of Bones Podcast, for those of you who need your history fix. I'm going to turn all of my (spare) attentions on that and my author life. I'll be writing books, coaching and maybe creating some new writing or history courses, I don't know. I have no idea what my future looks like, but my writing is everything so it will continue in some form or another. I would be so honored if you would follow me on my Facebook page(s)- Elizabeth Bourgeret- Author and/or Bag of Bones Podcast Perhaps we can continue our friendships there. If neither of those are a fit for you, please know that I will miss you and again, have enjoyed beyond words your participation and presence in my life. - The Wildwood Conestoga I am grateful that I will get to visit with my children (both in MO) and my family (mostly in AR) before I get settled in Alabama where my husband and his family reside. The Conestoga will be sold next month. It has served me well, kept me safe and the new owner gets a new set of tires! Lol! What a good, mostly sturdy companion it turned out to be :) Money is about to get extremely tight, so I am downsizing in every way.
 I have been so blessed and so ridiculously grateful to have been able to come on this adventure. It truly has been an adventure of a life time and I am beyond thankful that I was able to make it to Oregon. I have earned my Coast to Coast title and being an ocean girl at heart, that's no small thing. I have SO many new story ideas that have come from this trip so I will never run out of book tasks. And being able to see what they saw, feel what they felt, touch the flora and fauna, cry with their pain, celebrate thier victories... I promise you to give their stories true depth and emotion so you feel as if you are there. Witnessing the land and their crossing (even the California route too!) I will have SUCH an advantage to creating an authentic Oregon Trail Series.
 Reaching the Pacific Ocean So, I am blessed. I'm not upset. A little sad, (okay fine, a lot sad) but I know that I will continue to be blessed in other ways, because my God loves me, and shows me everyday. So I walk... and drive... in faith.  Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for taking this journey with me. Thank you for being my penpals.
If this could NOT be a good-bye, but just a transition... that would be really great. So... not goodbye... I'll see you on my author page or the Bag of Bones page And don't count me out... there's more to come from this plucky author, I promise... |
