Dealing With Grief The feelings of loss can be brought on by any number of events. Most typically we think of the death of a loved one. But grief in its deepest forms can also be the reaction to the loss of a job, family estrangement or betrayal. A break-up or divorce. The loss of a beloved pet. Or even the empty nest syndrome... The feelings or stages of grief can be different for everyone and we all process grief in different ways. I present them to you here, to "normalize" the grieving process and to work through it myself. Writing is a healing tool for me, so, allow me to heal and hopefully my words will come back to you when you are in your time of grief and they will help ease your transition. The five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, are common experiences people go through when dealing with loss. They surface in different ways for different people as grieving is such a unique and personal thing to have to go through. Not everyone will go through them in the same order. Not everyone will stay in the same stage for the same length of time. And once you have experienced each stage, that does not mean that you won't go back through it again. (Much to my disappointment. Being very aware of my emotions from the standpoint of "outside looking in" kind of way, I would mentally "check-off" the stages I felt myself go through happy that I was one step closer to Acceptance.... Not so much the case, my friends. Not the case at all...) I hope you can use this article as an awareness tool. To help your body, mind and heart heal when it feels like you never want to see the sunshine again. I am hoping to help you understand the process and stand beside you saying, "You WILL get through this," as I tell myself every ten minutes or so. Because this IS a process and we WILL get through it... Denial. This is where you've just gotten slapped in the face with news. Bad news. This stage is your defense mechanism to allow your body to deal with the shock. Your brain deflects your immediate emotions to allow you to attempt to process this new information. You're mind begins to swirl with questions and while you are trying to sort out the realities, the emotions will fight their way to the surface. Anger. Reality of the situation, brings pain. And to protect ourselves from drowning in the pain and sadness, we express it as anger. We feel anger and resentment and hate to someone in particular or sometimes anyone who happens to cross our thought paths at the wrong moment. We use our anger to deflect the pain that if we give into it, it will surely kill us. David Kessler, a grief specialist explained it this way, "At first grief feel like being lost at sea; no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone.. suddenly you have structure- your anger towards them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection between you and them. It is something to hold on to; a connection made from strength of anger is better than nothing." Better than nothing. That's for sure. Anger gave me direction, and it DID feel better than feeling numb. Numbness and hopelessness are the worst feelings to have in my humble, heart-broken opinion. I'm really good at the anger stage and frequent it often... Bargaining (Or depending on the cause of grief) Begging. This is another defense mechanism to protect us from the harsh reality we unwillingly find ourselves in. This is the land of "if only's". Most of the time, this stage happens in our mind. We fantasize different endings and outcomes to the situation at hand. Sometimes, we see a revenge, or a reconciliation, or a miracle cure. If we do happen to find the words or have the chance to "make things right", we bargain, threaten, cajole, negotiate, promise and throw guilt around like candy, anything to un-do the pain. But nothing works. You wake up the next morning and the pain is still there. It really happened and there is nothing you can do to change it. Depression. This is where you really feel that the loss has moved in and is making itself at home. That feeling of emptiness returns and you know it's there but you just don't feel like doing anything about it. You even entertain the idea that it will be there forever. You tell yourself that this too, is part of the process and it will pass, but while you're in it... you feel... sadness, regret, worry, loss... emptiness. This is your body trying to work through the grief. Trying to prepare you for what's on the other side. It's a time of reflection and also a time to allow you to accept a new... different future. Acceptance. This stage does not mean that what has happened has been given our "approval"- for lack of a better word- but it means that we can acknowledge that the event really did happen and we can't un-do it. So we must learn to deal with it, make peace with it, and move on with our lives. Some people never reach this stage. I do not anticipate that being me. I know God has other things planned for me other than standing under the darkness of this raincloud. He knows that eventually I will accept my new reality and keep moving forward. But not today, Lord. Not today. Grief has its own rhythm and you have to allow yourself to go through it from beginning to end. If you try and push it down or ignore that it is happening, it will only take longer to get to the Acceptance part. Linger in one stage or another if you must, but get to the Acceptance part. In some cases, the pain will never be gone and we have to learn to live with it buried in some compartment of our heart; in some cases, when you look back you'll wonder why you behaved so; and still in others, things happen that are out of your control and our only option is to deal with it the best we know how at this particular moment. One thing I do know, is that life is not meant to stop. Don't get trapped in the pain. We grieve because we love. And because we cannot NOT love, there will always be pain in our lives. But our hearts are made resilient so they can love again. Our memories are created to hold on to the times that made us smile. Hope is forever bubbling down deep inside waiting to renew your spirit. Strength keeps us moving forward. And faith... faith is the promise that we will love again and continue to give love a chance no matter what.
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Instead of Looking for the Right Person, Become the Right Person "If you attempt to build intimacy with a person before you've done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be an attempt to complete the hole in your heart and the lack of what you don't have. That relationship will end in disaster." -Les and Leslie Parrott If I may paraphrase the above, what that comment is saying to me is that if you are looking for someone to "complete you" then you have already lost. I believe they are trying to teach us to become the person we are happy and satisfied with by building our own self-confidence so when the right person comes along, he/she is merely a happy addition to our lives. We don't feel that obsessive NEED for that person. We don't have to have this person or that person because something is missing in our lives. We can be happy on our own, but we can also be ecstatic that they have joined us on our journey. Love will come to you. Maybe not in your time frame, so you need to be happy with your own company until that right someone does come along. So how do we go about becoming the right person? How do we find the patience to wait on love while we are making ourselves into the right person to be loved? Practice love. Emulate love. Become the person that walks in love and not just wishes for it. There's this saying: The way you do anything is the way you do everything. We can put that into practice here. Your "anythings" are your unconscious decisions that you make on a daily basis. Your way of doing things. The evolutional attitude you've created. And it can be observed in everything you do. We prefer to focus on what we want to see and hear, both for the good and bad. And that's true of everyone. But no matter how we try and taint or twist the evidence we present to others for our favor, actions reveal our true character. So make sure your character is one that can stand the test. All of your "anythings" create your everything life. You are who you are in the dark. So, perhaps we should shine the light and look at who you really are and how the rest of the world sees you? I am just under six feet tall and I have bright red hair. My mother made it a point to teach me, that no matter where I am, or where I go, someone is always watching me. She wasn't necessarily telling me this to frighten me, she was reminding me that I stick out like a sore thumb and if I do something stupid, I WILL get caught. And it worked. I took years of ballet to make sure I walk with poise and grace. I've studied etiquette to be sure I always have polite manners... so on and so forth... Now that I am a public figure, my character is up for grabs as well. (1 Timothy 4:12) I am not perfect by any means, and in spite of my many years of ballet, I still manage to fall flat on my face. But I do try and live an honest life. What you see is what you get. I try to walk in love. I have bad days, just like everyone else, but how you do anything is how you do everything. Even on those bad days, I walk in love. There may be an edge to my voice, or my eyes may not sparkle through whatever I'm going through, but hopefully you will know that I am sending love your way. As you know, I am a big component of if you give love you will receive love. Sometimes not in the direction you were expecting, but the rule has always held true for me. Meaning, you see this totally beautiful person standing across the room so you send out love in his direction... he may not respond. But that love will bounce around the room and suddenly, someone will come up to you and tell you that you have the most beautiful smile. So, it may not be from the hot guy, but that only means that he wasn't for you. So keeping that in mind, are you giving love? Are you the kind of person others can love? Do you walk in love? Are you patient and kind? Do you show respect for others? Do you live a life of integrity? You can only pretend to be someone else for a short amount of time. The real you will always come to the surface. Who are you when no one else is around? Love is sacrificial and learning to put others first. Are you in a "ME" kind of mindset? If you have been making the same kind of relationship mistakes over and over and ending up in the same hurtful place, start with yourself. Do you love yourself? If you don't love you, how can someone else? Look hard in the mirror. Fall in love with the face staring back at you. Let love begin with you. Create a fulfilling, healthy, whole relationship with you. Make the changes that need to be made that will make others see how truly wonderful you are. How you do anything is how you do everything. Start with you. Walk in love. Put others first. Send love out and it will come back to you. Men Tell Their Secrets I'm fascinated at how couples work. What makes two people stick it out to make a relationship work. What is it about one person over another that makes men decide to commit to that one person for the rest of their life? So, I've been asking married men "What's the secret to a happy marriage?" for months now, and I've pulled out a select few to share with you and I think you'll find their answers compelling, emotional, funny and heart-warming. So without further ado and in no particular order, I give you Men's Secret to a Happy Marriage... Mark M. Married 24 years: "I married my high school sweet heart. I'd say it would have to be patience. On both our parts." Pete L. Married 53 years: "It's a give and take. Lord knows I'm not perfect. We take it one day at a time. One day at a time." Ken E. Married 26 years: "Suffering through chicken night with a smile on my face for twenty-six years!" Matt C. Married 7 years: "Having kids. Seeing that it's a bit of each of you; you created them, together. It makes you want to try harder." Bill W. Married 40 years: "Don't sweat the small stuff and it all ends up being small stuff." Jeff O. Married 31 years: "Be intentional. Make her a priority." Harmon C. Married 38 years: "I don't make any decisions without her. (I basically do what she tells me to do!) It took me about twenty years to figure that out." Bill J. Married 27 years: "Wait. Don't get married until you're WAY out of adolescence. I waited until I was thirty-six. Then, just take it one day at a time." Mark M. Married 26 years: "When it comes to money, come to a mutual agreement. Listen. Not just listen, but hear her. And... don't make sports THE top priority!" Larry S. Married 51 years: "Always put her first. Make sure her needs are taken care of. She does the same for me." John S. Married 42 years: "Have the same religious base... and forgiveness. You're going to make a lot of mistakes. Forgiveness is a must. Russ I. Married 6 years: "Find someone that will put up with you!" Jim L. Married 52 years: "Just keep saying 'Yes Dear'!" Bill H. Married 43 years: "Communication... and don't lie. She tells me everything and I tell her everything. You can lie to anyone else, but don't lie to each other. That's the fastest way to lose trust. I know I can trust her about anything and she trusts that I will always be there for her." Thirudathi R. Married 30 years: "Trust. Trust is the key." Dave H. Married 55 years: "She's always right!" Kevin N. Married 39 years: "The minister said till death do us part. That means for the good and bad. So, that was that." Ulli H. Married 35 years: "Trust. If you cross that line, you can't go back." Jerry D. Married 54 years: "Always love each other. No matter what. And learn to compromise." Knowles T. Married 39 years: "I believe in communicating and sticking it out through thick and thin and forgiving." Bob O. Married 27 years: "Compromise. It's not so much about me but rather 'us'. Pay her a compliment every day. It costs little but it means so much." Ken G. Married 49 years: "Tolerance. And let me tell you that when you work so hard at being tolerant in your marriage, you're allowed to be LESS tolerant in other areas. Mine is driving. I go so irritated with ignorant drivers! Especially in traffic!" David O. Married 55 years: "Patience. Love and patience." Matt M. Married 20 years: "Respect each other." John K. Married 38 years: "The wife rules!! But other than that, I think openness and honesty." Martin V. Married 5 years: "Wait fifty years! I wasn't going to be a statistic, so I waited for the right one. It was lonely, and I thought I was going to be a bachelor forever and then I met her." Charles E. Married 14 years: "Know when to shut up." BONUS QUESTION: A few were kind enough to answer a bonus question for me... How did you know she was the one? John K: Married 38 years: "We dated for five years. I don't know, it was just... a feeling." Martin V. Married 5 years: "We met at a group meeting for people who have seizures. And I loved her personality." Thirudathi R. Married 30 years: "We went to school together. I really liked her. We were just on the same frequency. I went to my father and asked if I could marry her and he arranged it. We started as friends that turned into love." (He comes from India and their marriages are usually arranged for them.) Bill H. Married 43 years: "We lived in the same neighborhood and I even delivered the newspaper to her house. But we didn't go out on a date until after we graduated. I tried to fight it. I didn't want to settle down, but everyone else knew she was the one. I got sent away for a few months because of my job, and I just didn't want to be without her. Or worse, I didn't want her to find somebody else! Finally, I didn't want to fight it any more." Russ I. Married 6 years: (See his above comment!) "She put up with me!" John S. Married 42 years: "She told me! But seriously, I was in the service and we were separated for three months. I couldn't stand it. I was only eighteen and had to have my mom sign for permission to allow me to get married! I got leave and we got married. We haven't been separated since." Thank you gentlemen for talking with me and being able to offer up these insights to my readers. I love hearing everyone's stories, and I'd love to hear yours too! Do you have a secret to share? What's the secret to your happy relationship and how did you know that your mate was "the one"? Valentine's Day Ah, Valentine's Day... the holiday of love... How can you go wrong with a holiday like that? I was surprised to find out how just the opposite is true! There is more passionate debate about this holiday, it seems that saying "Merry Christmas" over "Happy Holidays!" In talking with people, it is definitely a love/hate kind of thing. You either love it or hate it. I, personally, love it. My philosophy is all about loving one another, so how could I possibly be against it? The comments I am hearing are a lot from singles. Why should they like Valentine's Day when they don't have a sweetheart to call their own? And others are just upset at the sheer commercialism of it all. Having my own blog has it perks every once in a while and this is one of them. I get to have my own happy way and get up on my soapbox and say what I want. You are welcome to continue reading, in fact I encourage it, but if you don't want to, it won't hurt my feelings! This is my room and you are welcome here, but brace yourself, I'm going to defend one of my favorite holidays... My argument is this. People choose to celebrate holidays in different ways. Why should this one be any different? And who cares if it was created to generate more business for the card and floral industries, in any other text that would be called good business! And no one ever said it is just for couples! The holiday is about love! But let's face it, ladies, sometimes men need a little help showing their affection in different ways. And Valentine's Day makes gift-giving a no-brainer! You can't go wrong and marketing won't let you forget!! It's a win-win. And let me address the argument that "if the men don't get just the right thing, or they forget all together, it causes strain in the relationship." Well, it's not the holiday that did that. That goes a little deeper than only one day a year. Men love this holiday just as much as the women! More proposals happen on this day than any other holiday. Every store and even every gas station is geared so men- who want to make even the tiniest effort- can't possibly mess it up! One holiday shouldn't be able to have the power to make or break a relationship. If it does, there were problems before February 14th came around. "It's just another reason for men to have to spend money. And if they don't spend the right amount, it makes them look bad." Again, I say, read the above paragraph. It shouldn't be about the money. I know a thoughtful gift that didn't cost much would mean more than a gift that took no thought at all. Anyone can purchase a dozen roses (and believe me, I love cut flowers as much as the next girl) but if she hates roses, you have missed your mark. But a gift showing her that you KNOW her, is priceless. A letter, is one of the most romantic things that is a lost art anymore. A special outing to someplace you know she would like. Or someplace completely new that will create new memories. It's not about the money, boys. Gifts don't have to cost a fortune to be special. But yes, it's more than the thought that counts! A little action, please. "You shouldn't have to have a holiday to tell someone you love them." No, and you shouldn't have to have a day to remind you to rejoice in the Lord either, but we do. And we commercialize the heck out of it too! It's a fun day!! Stop trying to make it more than what it is! Yes, you should love your people every day and yes, you should show them in some way or another so they constantly feel loved, but some people need this day to kick their people into gear! Some women have to wait all year to get a bouquet of flowers sent to their job letting all the office know that her man loves her. And if it takes that one day to make her feel that joy, so be it! You're relationship is a daily work in progress. Valentine's Day is an EXTRA day of love and showing love and remembering why you love, and love for the sake of loving. "Companies like Hallmark and jewelry stores and florists profit ten fold during this time of year!" And your point is??? You don't have to buy a card from Hallmark... it's still freedom of choice around here. No one complains that Budweiser takes up a huge chunk of the Superbowl! But have a Hallmark commercial make you cry and you boycott a holiday? And talk about a price mark-up!! Anyone who has bought ANYTHING from the ball park during a game has felt the sting of ten-fold profit!! But we buy it anyway. Every holiday has its share of price mark-ups. It too, is the American way. We pay more for gas over the three day weekends, we pay more money for a fir tree thats going to die in a month, we pay a fortune for eggs... EGGS! because we want to paint them pretty colors, but only in April. This holiday is no different. Thanks to our American commercialism, we have taken a small drinking holiday that didn't even belong to us and turned it into a major party to where the nation is allowed to be Irish for a day and wear green to be protected from pinching! And only in America can we glorify lucky clovers and leprechauns and green tinted food. I don't hear that holiday getting any flack. And yes, the price of beer, ham, cabbage, green beaded necklaces and anything green goes up ten-fold in price! "I'm single, so it's just another day." It doesn't have to be. It amazes me how many people let this holiday that stands for love, throw them into depression! What is that all about?? It's just a day! It doesn't define who you are! Goodness! And it's not just for couples! Love your friends with little tokens of appreciation. Love your children with candies and goodies and cards. Love your pup with a heart-shaped rawhide. Love your mate with heart-shaped pancakes and flowers and love notes. Heck love your waitress a little extra with a bigger tip. I haven't had a Valentine in years but it doesn't makes me love this holiday any less. Maybe there will be one in my future, maybe there won't. But I enjoy having the "excuse" (and the ease) of spoiling those I care for with a whole day of love! We shouldn't have to be told to love each other, but thank goodness we have a holiday to do just that. So quit your bah-humbugging and get out there and show some love! Stepping off my soapbox now... we will now return to your regular blog-posts... Thank you.... Love is a Two Way Street Healthy relationships are based on compromise. Each person has to play their part and not expect one person to do all the giving while the other is doing all the taking. You’ve heard me say that I think relationships should be not 50/50, but 100/100. This leaves nothing to chance. If you are both taking 100% responsibility for the health and well-being of the relationship, then nothing can fall through the cracks. - If you are the one in the relationship who is constantly giving and not getting your love returned, it may last for a while. You could even think you’re happy for years, but eventually, your supply of giving without getting will be depleted. When your love and efforts are not being reciprocated, the relationship will fall out of balance. You could become bitter expecting it to change and it never does. Self-doubt creeps in wondering what you’re doing wrong; wondering why your partner doesn’t want to give back automatically. Depression can come in to play because you are not feeling loved and appreciated. Love lifts you up. Love is giving and kindness. Love is encouraging. Love is healing. If these things do not surround you, you are in the wrong relationship. - Love does not just happen, people. You both have to give and take. Learn to compromise. Learn what is important to your partner. How does she take in love? What can you do to show him love? Often the way we give love is how we like to receive love. And that may not be what your partner is needing. One of my favorite books is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The book points out five different ways that we perceive love. Some feel loved when you hold their hand, others feel more loved when you do nice things or offer a gift. Still others need to talk or go on a picnic. Yes, these are all wonderful things and I’m sure we would all appreciate if our mate did any one of those things, but Mr. Chapman points out that usually one of the languages is our strongest. We respond more to one than another. Get the book, read it together and figure out each other’s love language and then speak it every day. You don’t have to feel it or like it, just do it and you will reap the benefits. - Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict. Your relationship cannot be based on a scoring system. There is no winning or losing. You need to give up the “my way or else” attitude. You’re not going to agree on everything and it’s okay to have strong convictions about some things, but you are in this together and your partner deserves a chance to be heard and have an opinion. Give and take. When arguments happen- and they will- keep emotion under control as best you can and try and get through it the best way you can without having any reason for regret. People need to feel they have been heard, try not to storm off. No name calling, it’s disrespectful. Fight fair. Don’t attack, try to use “I” statements to explain how you feel. Keep the past in the past, don’t dredge up old arguments. And focus on the issues at hand. I know it’s not easy when high emotion gets involved but this is only one moment in the life of your relationship and hopefully things can get resolved with a little give and take. - Sometimes, one of you won’t be feeling up to your usual 100% and you need your partner to step in and take over. If it has been a steady give and take, your partner should fall into this role automatically. The loss of a family member, a physical illness, losing a job… we all have bumps in the road and it makes it easier to get past them when we can rely on our partner to help us through. When you see your partner in a slump, or feeling reserved, assume that he/she needs more from you and fill that need. Whatever it may be for a couple weeks. Love them back to life, so to speak. Make him/her your priority. Wear something sexy, leave her notes in her briefcase. Make his favorite meal. Love language the heck out of him/her. Or maybe just be patient and step back allowing him/her to let you know what they need. That’s what so great about love. It’s a growing, breathing, changing thing. If you treat it right it will fulfill you all the rest of your days. Sometimes, you’ll give more… sometimes you need more. Be with the person that you can balance with. Other articles you might be interested in: Watch Your Love Blossom Share the Love Love Will Keep Us Together EAT CAKE! Birthdays mean different things to different people. There was a time that I preferred not to celebrate my birthday and would allow the day to just come and go as if it were just another day. Then I decided, wait a second! It's NOT just another day. I have made it a WHOLE additional year! And if every day is a gift! That's an extra 365 gifts given to lil ol me. These days, I celebrate my birthday. I am having the time of my life! I've reached the age that the tiniest things don't stress me out. I find beauty and love all over the place! I know that worrying is just a waste of time. I have made mistakes, but they didn't kill me and have taught me many, many lessons. I have done the best I could with the resources I had to be the best mother I could be. I have grandchildren... I enjoy the fact that I have been granted another one. I may not do anything big, or public, but there will be cake. Cake means there is something to celebrate. I am something to celebrate. I am loved. I may not have accomplished every thing I have set out to do, but I've been given another birthday to keep trying. I have lived a full life and in case this IS my last birthday, I'm not at all upset. I can look back and see all the wonderful people who have shared my life in the past and how they have made a difference. Some have stayed for a long time, others for only a season, still others were merely a blip on the screen, but I'm a firm believer that people come in to your life for a reason. So, I am happy that YOU are in my life. Thank you for being a part and helping me to continue to fulfill my dreams and help others along the way. I am happy that this is where my life's path has lead me. I am looking forward to what the future has to offer and I promise to be grateful for all the moments in between. Today is my birthday. Celebrate with me. Appreciate all the things that have happened to bring you here. Love the people that are in your life now today and all your yesterdays. And above all...Eat cake!! Success Is... What is success? Is there just one answer? If you get if wrong are you doomed to failure for the rest of your days? I think not. With the beginning of a new year people tend to reflect on their life. Where are they going? Where have they been? What's worked and what hasn't. What happens next. I think we all strive for success, some more than others. But in the end, we want to look back on our lives and say ,"Yes, I was successful". The common answer for "What is success?" is usually equated to making money. Lots of money. Ridiculous amounts of money. Success equals riches. But hopefully after reading today's article, I hope you will view things a little differently. So what is success? I'm going to tell you. And I think you might be surprised by my answer. Success Is Perception. You're idea of success and someone else's idea of success could be completely different. When you look at other people's lives and are perhaps unimpressed with what they have achieved you may be shocked to find that they are gleefully happy with the abundance of success they've had. Something as regular as cooking a meal for a large number of people comes as second nature to a person that comes from a large family or works in a restaurant, but could have been a major challenge for the new bride that is taking on Christmas dinner for her new in-laws and her own family. If she doesn't serve the turkey raw or the potatoes lumpy and keeps the tiered cake on top of each other, that... is success. Success Is Personal. Success can only be found by pursuing your own dreams, not by following the dreams others force on you. Meaning, you and only you can decide what success means to you. I met a man once who became a doctor. His father was a doctor, his brother was a doctor his grandfather was a doctor, even his daughter was studying to be a doctor. He had his own practice, the nice home, the nice car and all the other cushy stuff that comes along with it. By anyone else's standards, he was a success. But by his own, his was living his father's dream for him. He wanted to work on cars. Rebuild cars. It wasn't until he gave up his practice to "retire" and built a garage in his backyard and started to rebuild his first car, that he considered himself a success. His path to "success" was a long time coming. "Success is when you've reached a personal goal." - Katherynn Bourgeret-Caldwell Your vision of success is completely your own. You may achieve the exact same thing as someone else and not feel anything, because it wasn't what your idea of success was. You're idea of success may be as simple as a balanced checkbook, filling up your day planner with activities or owing a Lexus. Whatever you have in your mind that is success, will have a greater impact on you than fulfilling someone else's goal list. (Which is why they say if you don't have a goal for yourself, you'll be helping someone else reach their goal!) Success Is Satisfaction. There is no point in being rich if you can't enjoy it. I'm sure you've heard of the people who've "made it". They reached that such-n -such dollar amount and are considered successful, but they are so busy working that they can't even enjoy their success! If making more money is going to be your idea of success then absolutely, go for it! but I can't help but feel that you're are more likely to enjoy the "rich" part if you enjoy the getting there part. Do what you love and you will be "rich". Know when it's enough. Don't lose your happiness for the sake of your success. "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get." - Dale Carnegie "Success is measured by your happiness and not the material things you have in your life." -Jennifer Largent Success Is Happiness. The truth is, we have little successes everyday. As we lay our head on our pillows at night, if we were only to take a moment and reflect on the things that happened that day, I wouldn't be at all surprised if we found many, many successes that we just forgot to celebrate. If you are pushing and pushing toward a goal and it has lost it's happiness factor, perhaps it isn't for you. Even if it's something mundane and unexciting as eliminating debt, it should still bring you some joy. It might mean that you have to work extra hours, (not fun) or cut back on your spending (also not fun) but if you don't feel a sense of accomplishment watching that big overwhelming number get smaller and smaller, then it's not bringing you happiness. And you should perhaps find another way to reach that goal. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, your large goals are made up of smaller, achievable, daily goals. Learn to recognize the daily successes you reach and be happy. It's not worth it in the long run if it steals your happiness. "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you'll be successful." -Albert Schweitzer Success Is Sharing. Success can be learned. We are not all born knowing that we can have all the things we want if we just go after them. Some have been trained that you get what you get and that's all there is. That makes me so sad. There are hundreds upon hundreds of examples out there of people who came from nothing and have made something of themselves. They became successful. They could go to sleep at night knowing they did what they needed to do to feel successful. Success is Action, Determination, Passion... success is all those things but it is also learned. One of the best ways to enjoy your success is to share it with others. Don't keep it all to yourself. Teach, help others to rise up from where they are and be the person they want to be. When you help others get to where they want to go, the universe gives back to you. And while that may sound like mumbo-jumbo, I promise you that it is fact. Be grateful for your successes. And make sure the people around you, the ones that helped you get there know how much they mean to you. Give. Share. Teach. Show gratitude. "Never lose sight of the fact that the most important yardstick of your success is how you treat other people. Your family, friends, co-workers and even strangers you meet along the way." -Barbara Bush Success Is A Continuous Journey. Success should never be considered a one way street. It's more than one street. It takes alleys and intersections, mountains and valleys. It goes up and it goes down. It is never-ending. One success will lead to another. You're constantly building and growing and learning. And when you reach your life goals... make new ones. Keep doing the things that work. Cut out the things that don't. Nothing stays the same. Be flexible and always hunger for more. If you reach your life's goal and then quit, watch and see how fast everything will unravel! You have to stay in the game. Keep moving. Keep growing. Keep setting new goals. "Success is not final: failure is not final; it is the courage to continue that counts." -"Winston Churchill Success Is Balance. To me, this is the meaning of success. You can have it all, and you should strive for that. Money - Happiness - Family & Friends - Security - Health - Peace of Mind - Hope You need all these things to be balanced and feel successful. Take even one off the list and you are thrown off-balance. If you have all the money you could ever want, but you have lost your family in the process, that is not success. If you have the biggest mansion on the street but have worked yourself to near death, and you are alone, that is not success. If you stole the money to get that need met, you would have it, but you would no longer have peace of mind. You'd always be looking over your shoulder, wondering when you'll be caught. That is not success. You have reached your goal but have lost everything else in the process and finally you lose hope. That is not success. We all know examples of the above stories. The news and celebrity magazines are covered with them. Balance is the key to success. You need happiness, health, enough money to not have to worry, security, friends and family, when you lay your head down at night you have peace of mind and hope. You need a little bit of all these things to find true success. Not everyone's list will be prioritized in the same way, but every one of these needs should be met for a balanced, successful life. If you are struggling to make ends meet, then I can see how finances would be top of the list, but don't sacrifice the other items to secure more money. There is nothing wrong with wanting money. There is nothing wrong with wanting lots of money. The problem comes when that's your only focus, and it will cost you in the long run. Your list will change in its order, but if you find happiness in each of these, you will be truly successful indeed. "What money can't buy... Money will buy you a house, but it won't buy a home, Money will buy you a companion or followers but it won't buy you a friend, Money will buy you a bed, but it won't buy you a good night's sleep, Money will buy you a good time, but it won't buy you peace of mind." -Zig Zigler Coming soon, I'll discuss the critical success factors to help you reach every goal on your list!! Be sure to stay tuned and check back often! "Thanks" Giving The topic of being grateful is one that I feel is so vital, that I touch on it in every one of my seminars and workshops. I call it the Attitude of Gratitude. It's a way of thinking that impacts your whole life. Not just for one day a year but all 365. Whether I am speaking to children, parents, teens, couples, or co-workers, gratitude is a topic that has the power to change the attitude and atmosphere of a relationship. Any relationship. And even the way we think and feel about ourselves. Of course, this seems to be the perfect time of year to blog about it. In fact, I think you might be a little disappointed in me if I blogged about anything BUT thankfulness this close to the holiday with Thanks in its title. Thanksgiving is a time for families and feasting and while the commercialized version of the holiday spawned from football and kicking off the Christmas season, let's take it back to what WE have come to celebrate Thanksgiving for. Being thankful and giving thanks. You know, this isn't just a once a year thing, though. You could get those warm fuzzy feelings all throughout the year. In fact I encourage it. When we put on a thankful attitude, it takes the edge off of the negative things that are thrown at us on a daily basis. The harsh realities of life don't sting nearly as bad when we can reflect how good we really have it. How "easy", by comparison, our lives really are. There is and always will be someone that is worse off than we are or have a more difficult life. Having an attitude of gratitude makes our hard times a little easier to get through. Giving Thanks: Tell them. Show your appreciation. Literally, Give. Thanks. It's something that we take for granted. People do nice things for us all the time and we pay little attention to it. Make it your habit to show thanks. And when someone shows you grace, or forgiveness or an unexpected kindness, make sure they know that you know. This is often overlooked in the home and the workplace, but when you change your perspective, and take the extra time to see that there are good people around you doing nice things let them know you appreciate it. Even if the nice thing wasnt' for you! If you "catch" someone being nice to someone else, acknowledge their kindness and thank them for it. Look at it this way. When you do something nice for someone, and they are sincerely grateful if they let you know it, you are more likely to do nice things for them again in the future. Because it feels good to be appreciated. And so it goes, back to the old rule "you reap what you sow" "you get what you give". Give thanks and more will be given to you to be thankful for. Keep Score! Having a tough time getting started? Just try and thank ten people for something every day. Let the words just come out of your mouth. It may feel awkward at first, but soon, you'll find yourself being thankful for even the tiniest things. If you are having find yourself running out of people to thank, start texting! Emailing! Snail mail! Mom is an easy one, you could just thank her for being "mom". Thank your co-workers for their great job! Thank your friends for just being there. Thank your family for years and years of putting up with you. Thank our soldiers for keeping us safe and letting us live a life of freedom. When it's all said and done and you have a few months of ten thank-you's a day, let me tell you, that feels pretty good. It gives you a glimpse at the "bigger picture" when you are thankful for all the paint brush strokes it took to create it. Just try it. You'll thank me later! Being Thankful: Being thankful is to take the time to realize all the wonderful things you have in your life. Right down to the air in your lungs, the blood pumping through your veins and even the sun shining in the sky. It is so easy for us to be harsh with ourselves and the world around us. We have grown into a bitter and judgmental society. We complain about the things we don't have and it never seems like we have enough. When you look at life in that way, it's true, you WILL never have enough. But for all the things you think you are lacking, what someone else would gladly give for the things that you have and don't appreciate. The shoes on your feet. The roof over your head. The food that you're throwing away because you just can't eat another bite. So when you look at yourself in the mirror and focus on all your flaws take just a moment to think of how lucky you are to have a body that functions and takes you places. How you're home may not have the finest furnishings but it keeps you warm and safe. How you may have to eat the same left-overs for the third day in a row, but you have food to eat to keep you healthy. I am certainly not trying to paint a morbid picture here. Quite the opposite. So many people think that it has to be something big before we can feel thankful- a huge spread of food on that chilly November holiday, a big promotion, a new purchase- but it's the little things. Every day. You are a wonderful person and there are so many wonderful things about you that I bet you forget about it. I am thankful that you are who you are so I can just concentrate on being lil ol me. Appreciate you. Appreciate your talents and skills and personality. Be thankful that you have gotten this far in life and that you have faced any number of trials and tribulations to make you who you are today. I am thankful for you. I am thankful that you have found me and are reading my works and have allowed me to touch your life in whatever capacity. You be thankful for you, too. Because without you, someone would be very sad. And while you are rolling your eyes and checking your watch while your in-laws quibble, or your grandpa falls asleep on the couch and snores, or your crazy uncle wants to tell you about his newest, greatest... thing; while your aunt wants to love and kiss on you with her slobbery lips and while the conversation may bore you to tears, remember; these are your people. Your family. This is where you come from. Find something- even if you have to dig deep- to appreciate about them. Keep looking. It's there. They are the only family you have. And no one lasts forever. Find it. Appreciate it for yourself and then... tell them. Keep Score! As you lay your head down on your comfy pillow tonight take a moment to think of all the things you can be thankful for. The big things, the little things even the tiniest of things. Change your perspective. See the world as a place that's always trying to do good for you and to you! While I am grateful for this once a year reminder I am hopeful that it jumpstarts your perspective to be thankful and give thanks every day. (Oh yes, and you know that the "Give love, get love every day of every year" is coming for the next whopper of a holiday, so hold on to your hearts, cause it's-a comin!) In the meantime friends, have a wonderful, healthy, happy, fulfilling Thanksgiving holiday!! You're turn! What are you thankful for? What can you give thanks for that you didn't notice before? How can you change your perspective at the workplace, at school or at home to be more thankful? Please share and comment below! Love Will Keep Us Together This may be showing my age, but I am TOTALLY singing the Captain and Tennille song, "Love Will Keep Us Together!" (Go on, admit it, you are too!) Don't know why that song was floating around in my head today, but it created this latest Blog-Spot for your entertainment and inspirational intake. Love. It is the base of all relationships and it can, single-handedly, give you the strength to keep trying to make a relationship go. It gives you the desire to forgive and move forward. It gives you the passion to keep working and connecting to your mate or close friends, even those pesky little, stress-inducing, two-legged things we call our children. Love. It is a powerful thing. Many times it is abused and taken for granted. Other times it's assumed that you don't have to work at it. And sure, love will probably always be there, at the core, but in order to make it blossom and grow it takes a few other things as well. Love can keep you together, but don't you want more than that? Don't you want deeper, long-lasting relationships? Closer bonds, strong friendships and the secure feelings of forever... Then read on. Here are a few helpful tips to keep those relationships moving forward.... Make Eye Contact. This simple act lets your partner, children or friend really know that you are listening. It speaks of honesty and vulnerability. The eyes are said to be the window to the soul, let your partner know they are welcome there. That you are genuinely, sincerely involved in this relationship. Think Before You Speak. Is what you're about to say going to move the relationship forward or will it be hurtful or damaging? Once the words have been released, they cannot be taken back. You can apologize all day long and be completely sincere about it, but you cannot make your words un-heard. Speak words of love and of encouragement. If you must reprimand, or have a difficult conversation be sure you are at a place where you can talk without emotions taking over. It could be as simple as a few seconds of breathing before you begin or answer; Or you may have to reconvene at another time to get your thoughts in order. Try never to argue out of passion, and never, never say things that you know will damage your partner. You may win the battle, but you may also have struck a huge blow in your future together. (Same applies to your children! They may always love you, but they don't have to like you or they may feel a need to seek protection from you be it through verbal distance or re-location.) Listen Attentively. We all like to know that we are being heard. One of the nicest feelings besides that warm, squishy love feeling is to know that we have been heard and understood. Give those people that are important to you that feeling of value. Put down the cell phone games, or let the e-mail wait for a few minutes. Facebook will be there later, I promise. Ignore the television, the phone, the kids, the dishes... Give that person your undivided attention. I know you are busy. But these are the relationships that deserve your time. They will give you the best ROI. Value them. Bring God into the conversation. Be sure that He knows He is welcome in your relationships. I have heard that the best relationships are compared to that of a tripod. Three legs. Two legs alone will not give you balance or security. But add that third leg and everything evens out. Pray together, seek Him together and He will give you balance and security. REALLY get to know your partner/child. Share details. Ask about their likes and dislikes. Who are their friends and what drew them as friends? What do they like to do? People change all the time. Our children, especially. Always be in a state of getting to know them all over again. It creates an unforgettable bond. And with your mate, it gives you insight to the section of their lives that happened perhaps before you became a part of it and how you can continue to grow together. Verbally communicate your wants and desires and find out theirs. Open communication is SO important!! With out this, it's just a guessing game. And when left to our own imaginations, we ALWAYS imagine the worst. Put your thoughts and feelings into words. Say how you feel. Ask for what you want. I know. I hear you saying, "But if he loves me, he should know!" I wish that was the case. But it's not. People cannot read your mind. And we also struggle with remembering details. I understand. This can be uncomfortable. But it can also bring you so much closer all while removing doubts and encouraging feedback. (This goes hand in hand with the above Listen Attentively!) But my favorite reason to verbally communicate is that it builds trust. The walls come down the more you talk together. Share with each other. Listen to each other. You should reach the point that there is nothing that you can't talk about. There is that sense of security that allows you to feel safe in good times and in bad. The good times make it easy to share but when those tough conversations have to come up, its good to have that trust there to know that your partner will still be around when you get to the other side of the problem. And, of course, verbally communicating also includes: Saying those three little words: I Love You. Say it. Don't ever let anyone doubt that you love them! Say it and mean it! (The opposite is true, DON'T say it if you don't mean it! Ouch.) We never know what tomorrow may bring so never go to sleep at night without letting those you love know how much they mean to you! I never want my children to ever question my love for them. I try and do all the things to show them, but I feel better just putting it out there. I hope the people closest to me know how much I value them and rarely waste an opportunity to sneak the actual words in every once in a while. I tend to be an over-lover! I'm all about the saying it and expressing it and hugging.... Physical Contact. Touching, hugging, holding hands, a quick pat as you pass by... These are the non-verbal cues that we can give to show our love. I don't care how old you are, touching is good and necessary for people to stay close. (Literally and emotionally! lol) Forgiveness. I can't say enough about this simple little word with its not so simple expectations. We are all going to make mistakes. We all tend to hurt one another. Forgiveness is the salve for the wound. Forgiveness doesn't fix everything but it allows for the healing to begin. Sometimes you have to begin healing alone, and other times you have to heal together but healing will never happen if resentment, anger and pain stand in the way. Forgive and allow the rest to take care of itself. Forgiveness is a choice. Staying together is a choice. Love, not so much. You can't control who you love and who you do not love. But you can decide how you are going to act on it and you can decide if love is only going to keep you together or if you will enjoy the journey to the fullest. What's on your mind?? Do you have an additional tip to add? How do these things effect your relationships? Please leave a comment below! My Latest Passion I love to dance. LOVE to dance. If my feet are touching the floor and there is music in the air, I'm usually wiggling around in some way. I used to get my fill of dance by teaching ballet and jazz and then ballroom or doing the choreography for summer camps or shows, but my life has changed so drastically over the last few years that I have not been able to partake in these old stand-bys. It seemed that nightclubs were my only option to shake my groove thing, but that takes you late into the night and being around all that smoke is no buenos. And people frown at you when you want to go all the time. (What? The band is REALLY good! I need to dance!) Couldn't join a Ballroom Club because my schedule changes every week and you usually need a partner. But oh! How I love those Latin rhythms! I love to salsa and cha cha and rhumba ... sigh. What's a dancer to do? I have discovered Zumba!! I know it's been around for a while and I have heard of it... I was always curious... I assumed it was more of an exercise routine, like Jazzercise. Uh, not interested.... But then I saw an infomercial. (I know. Don't judge me!!) They looked like they were having SO much fun!! And I certainly wouldn't object to my abs looking like theirs. I ordered. I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN!!!! I LOVE ZUMBA!!! I Zumba every day. Sometimes I Zumba twice a day! I get to get my Latin groove on, get some exercise and fulfill my need to dance. Granted, it is no ballet or ballroom, but it does require the same kind of discipline! I am loving the challenges it is giving me! I am so excited!! Whoops.... In the midst of my raving, I realized that you have come to expect some kind of advice or encouragement from the blog posts and this one just kind of turned out to be a personal fun one for me... but let me think... how can I turn this into a lesson? We can go the exercise is good for you route...nah. I'm going to go with the "Add Four New Positive Habits A Year" route (that's straight from the Total Truth Workshop!) AND the ever popular, Do What You Love theme. It is good to always continue to expand your mind (and body) to new techniques and applications that will help you consistently build on what you already know. So by adding four new habits a year, hopefully you're replacing bad ones and you are in a constant state of improvement. Zumba is definitely something new for me. It takes what I already knew about Latin dancing and kicks it up a notch. Good for my body. Good for my brain and it really is true what they say about exercise, I am more energetic and focused and motivated! (This completes my four quota for this year too!) And- Doing what you love makes you happy and when you're happy you are more likely to share that joy with others WHICH in turn, brings it back to you. Follow your heart, do what you love and share your happiness with others. *contented sigh* I think that about sums it up! Have a great week everyone! What's that? A little calypso drum? I think yes!! |
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